Jaxon's Story
In 2014 my world fell apart. My husband and I went into the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on Thursday, June 19th to be induced into labor and finally meet our little boy. It was a planned induction and I was a little over 39 weeks pregnant. We were ready. His room was beautiful and smelled just like a new baby. I had about a billion little outfits I couldn't wait for him to wear. Little did we know what the day would actually have in store for us. When we arrived at the hospital, they checked us in. We were both overjoyed, excited to meet our little boy. While Josh brought in our bags, the nurses started "hooking me up" to all of the machines that would monitor myself and Jaxon. When they put the monitor on my stomach, I could read all over the nurse’s face that something was wrong. I panicked! She asked me to calm down and explained that Jax might just be hiding. They couldn't find a heartbeat.... I watched several nurses try 3 different heart dopplers. At one point, one of the nurses seemed relieved to find a heart rate over 120. When they placed the oxygen mask on me, I knew that this was only my own heart racing. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare. I could see my husband standing in the back of the room, completely horrified, and saw the feeling of helplessness on his face as I was swarmed with doctors and nurses. I just kept willing myself to wake up from the dream. It didn't feel real. Time moved so slow. Each breath hurt. I tried to be still and silent so I could hear the sound of Jaxon's heart. I willed myself to hear his heart. But, after an hour of ultrasounds, doctors, and monitors, they confirmed what we had already realized was true. Jaxon's heart was no longer beating. The doctor asked if we could continue the induction or if I would like to wait a few days. Josh and I chose to go ahead and continue that day. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. When a baby passes away in utero they don't disappear. You still have to go through labor, just the same. All the pain is the same; the contractions still hurt; and it still takes hours. You still must deal with your milk coming in and take the needed time for your body to heal. The only difference is that the pain in your heart far exceeds all of the physical pain. Part of me still had hope. Maybe a miracle would happen and just maybe I would hear his beautiful cry when he was born. Maybe the doctors were wrong. I still clung to hope even though there was none.
Jaxon silently entered this world a little after 4pm on the 19th. the silence was deafening and it hurt. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to bring my baby home. I loved him so very much. I've never cried so hard or felt so completely broken and helpless as I did that day. We were never given a cause of death, even after testing and a board of physicians reviewed our case. Coming back home to his room that I had worked so hard on was excruciating. His crib was still there with the blanket we had made for him. It was empty and silent. It would stay empty and silent. You truly don't know the value of a day until you only have one.
Jaxon silently entered this world a little after 4pm on the 19th. the silence was deafening and it hurt. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to bring my baby home. I loved him so very much. I've never cried so hard or felt so completely broken and helpless as I did that day. We were never given a cause of death, even after testing and a board of physicians reviewed our case. Coming back home to his room that I had worked so hard on was excruciating. His crib was still there with the blanket we had made for him. It was empty and silent. It would stay empty and silent. You truly don't know the value of a day until you only have one.
There were so many tough decisions to make that day. I remember that soon after he was born, they started asking me about his funeral preparations. I was trying desperately to be ok with the idea of no baby coming home. Planning a funeral is not what I wanted to do, and I really wasn't in the right mind to make any decisions. I just wanted my baby. We had a couple of hours with Jaxon. I studied his beautiful face and loved his brown curly hair and we took pictures of him. Little did I know those pictures would become one of my most prized possessions. Not many people know this, and frankly it's hard for me to talk about... A new baby’s skin is very fragile. The natural process of decay happens so much faster to their skin. It changes color and starts to peel very soon after they are born. I became scared to touch Jaxon. I wanted to remember him the way he was. Beautiful. Soft. My baby. It broke my heart. They took him away to the morgue much sooner than I would have liked, because I couldn't handle seeing the decaying process begin.
After Josh and I left the hospital we heard of this new medical device in the UK called a cuddle cot. It's a refrigerated Moses basket that helps slow the changes that happen to a baby so that a family can just have a little more time. What I wouldn't have given for that. Our couple of hours could have been longer. We wouldn't have had to rush to get pictures done. I could have let his siblings see him. (To this day I deeply regret not letting them see him. It broke their hearts). I'm thankful for the time we did have. I hear stories all the time of people who didn't even get to see their baby and have always wondered.
It became our mission, soon after Jaxon passed, to help other families who have lost an infant, whether it be because of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. We began looking for ways to fundraise to provide either a Cuddle Cot or a Caring Cradle to every hospital in Oklahoma. Because of that dream, The Jaxon Kade Foundation, Inc and The 4x4 Show were created. We have been able to provide numerous units to hospitals all around Oklahoma. We also provide literature and gifts for the families to help with their grieving and we have many other dreams and ideas in the works.
We have been able to provide units to Lakeside Women's Hospital in Oklahoma City, St Anthony's Hospital Downtown, Mercy Hospital in Oklahoma City, OU Children's Hospital, Edmond Integris Hospital, Yukon Integris Hospital, and Integris Southwest Medical Center, Integris Bass Baptist in Enid, and Stillwater Medical Center. On March 13, 2019 We will deliver units to Hillcrest Main, Hillcrest South, and St Johns Medical Center all in Tulsa. Each medical device costs our foundation anywhere from $2765 to $4800.
After Josh and I left the hospital we heard of this new medical device in the UK called a cuddle cot. It's a refrigerated Moses basket that helps slow the changes that happen to a baby so that a family can just have a little more time. What I wouldn't have given for that. Our couple of hours could have been longer. We wouldn't have had to rush to get pictures done. I could have let his siblings see him. (To this day I deeply regret not letting them see him. It broke their hearts). I'm thankful for the time we did have. I hear stories all the time of people who didn't even get to see their baby and have always wondered.
It became our mission, soon after Jaxon passed, to help other families who have lost an infant, whether it be because of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. We began looking for ways to fundraise to provide either a Cuddle Cot or a Caring Cradle to every hospital in Oklahoma. Because of that dream, The Jaxon Kade Foundation, Inc and The 4x4 Show were created. We have been able to provide numerous units to hospitals all around Oklahoma. We also provide literature and gifts for the families to help with their grieving and we have many other dreams and ideas in the works.
We have been able to provide units to Lakeside Women's Hospital in Oklahoma City, St Anthony's Hospital Downtown, Mercy Hospital in Oklahoma City, OU Children's Hospital, Edmond Integris Hospital, Yukon Integris Hospital, and Integris Southwest Medical Center, Integris Bass Baptist in Enid, and Stillwater Medical Center. On March 13, 2019 We will deliver units to Hillcrest Main, Hillcrest South, and St Johns Medical Center all in Tulsa. Each medical device costs our foundation anywhere from $2765 to $4800.